Let’s face it: These are dangerous times and Japan isn’t living in an impenetrable bubble (I keep trying to blow one, but it always pops). Criminals are running amok in Tokyo. Why, just two years ago I saw a man jaywalking in broad daylight! Being an elderly (and filthy rich) citizen, it’s hard to feel safe walking outside in these conditions.
That’s why I let out a big sigh of relief when fashion designer, Aya Tsukioka, gave us Urban Camouflage — disguises to trick criminals into thinking you are just a street lamp or some other piece of urban landscape.
I can just be walking down the street in a skirt (I’m sure she will make men’s products soon as well, but crime waits for no one) and as soon as I see a sketchy character, I just need one quick zip and I’m an innocent little vending machine. Go ahead and put some money in, I’ve got a soda pop for you, fella.
Of course this means I have to lug around a wide array of soft drinks to keep from blowing my cover, but it’s better than some of the alternatives I’ve suffered through:
Mailbox - Sure it kept me safe, but I had to take four days vacation time just to deliver all the letters that were crammed down my hole.
ATM - I specifically wore Urban Camouflage so I wouldn’t have people demanding money from me! I emptied out my entire wallet before getting to work — when I ran out of money, I dispensed my gold watch.
Port-a-Potty - Oh God. What a terrible, terrible idea. Emotional scars and unpleasant scents linger.
Now with my vending machine skirt, those miscues are a thing of the past. For the first time in my life, I feel safe to walk the streets again. Here’s a picture of me and my buddies hanging out streetside, commemorating our newfound freedom. I call it: “A Success Story”.