Well, I’m back from my trip. I visited The United States, China and Singapore, and frankly I’m suffering from dry roasted peanut withdrawal. Perhaps I can convince my secretary to dress up as an airline stewardess and drop some off along with a plastic cup of 7up every few hours. I recall Shinzo saying he got her to play dress-up every now and then.

Anyway, I had such a glorious time in the United States of America. Here are some notes from my trip:

1. When I arrived in Washington DC, I tried to show off my wit to Condoleeza Rice. Listen to this joke I prepared:

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Rice. You’ll have to excuse my surprise, where I come from rice is white!

Associated Press

Something must have gotten lost in translation, because the hearty laugh I expected was actually an icy glare of death. I’ll have to annunciate my words more clearly next time.

2. I was pleasantly surprised that the city has a valet system for wallets! While I think the man asking for my wallet should have dressed more professionally, it is a great idea and I will look into instituting the same thing here. Carrying around your wallet can be so burdensome. I’ve got a tiny rear end, so when I sit down on my wallet, bursting to the seams, I’m tilted at a 60 degree angle. Alas, I must have dropped my valet ticket and wasn’t able to recover my wallet at the end of the trip.

3. Americans are delightfully chubby. George took me to a wonderful place called “Old Country Buffet” where I could eat all the roast beef and corn I wanted while I took in the sights of the natives in their natural habitat. The tubby man in a mumu seemed to take exception when I took his picture slopping mashed potatoes onto his plate, but that’s why I’ve got bodyguards. Besides, I could have just escaped through a single door if I were in a pinch.

So, there it is. I learned, I laughed, I loved, I cried. I can’t wait to come back again, America!